25/12/05
The President's Xmas Message.
2005 has been a historic year. Plagues in Africa, Flooding in the Americas, Earthquakes in Asia, War in the Middle East, Terrorists in Europe, the Worship of the False God Celebrity, An Ex-Nazi Coward as Pope of our False Church, Empires Rising, Holy Oil Wars, and the recent global distribution of the next generation of Murder-Simulators released just in time for Xmas. Now you can kill each other virtually as well as actually, and lets face it we have to teach your filthy rodent children something since Happy Slapping seems to have run it's course. This is not a time to rest on our laurels, there are still about six billion of you monkeys to torture, humiliate, enslave, hypnotise and manipulate, but rest assured we are winning this war. So rejoice, Darkness is prevailing and He who shall not be Named biggest supporters are my allies. Now go eat your concentration camp turkeys fill yourself with booze and let the All Seeing Lie flush out any and all moral compulsions that you have left. Thank you for your co-operation.
President Evil.
22/12/05
TERROR ALERT!
We in the Evil office have received substantial intelligence that there may be a VERY REAL possibility of a chance of a Terrorist attack somewhere within the festive holiday season. This intelligence was gained through "persuasion with extreme prejudice" of captured insurgents. Remember that despite our successes against Reason itself, many of the Elf Queda network and their cohorts are still at large and threaten our very way of life with their ethic of hard work, happiness and goodwill to all men. Though Santa's forces themselves lay defeated we must be ever vigilant of sympathisers to his vile crusade against all that is Evil and Wrong and Unholy. Only last week a Suicide Elf on a Sleigh filled with C4 was driven into a Hallmark Stationary warehouse. These terrorists do not care about our way of life, they wish to sneak into our home in the dead of night, leave suspect packages in lurid wrapping under our trees luring our children into a world in which hope and magic are real and that people may not just be terrified and vacant domestic apes. This cannot be allowed! So for a safe festive season we ask you follow the following.
1. Make sure that all your presents are officially sanctioned by The All Seeing Lie.
(Products not Advertised on which may contain the neurotoxin Sincerity)
2. Buy all presents for Large retailers allied with Unholy Ghost.
(products bought from independent retailers may be used to fund terror)
3. Make sure you wrap all your presents yourself.
4. Report any suspects wearing Elfin or Santa clothing to the appropriate authorities.
5. Watch The Roofs!
President Evil
06/12/05
I'm Dreaming of a White Xmas.
The Office Party season is upon us folks, all over the world people will be getting drunk drugged and humped over photocopiers in a desperate attempt to bring some definition to their empty lives. It is one of the little perks we have at this time listening to all the pathetic excuses, all of which go along the lines of "I was intoxicated, I didn't know what I was doing" which is one of my favourite monkey lover jokes, almost as funny as the other "You know I don't normally do this type of thing." So with this in mind Your President would suggest all of you to buy more Cocaine!!!
That's right Cocaine! Every line you sniff helps us in the Evil office possess more of you monkeys with our depraved immorality, from the twelve year old Drug Barons of Rio to the gang raped and murdered daughters of Mexico, up through to the exploited spit roasted semen buckets that were once Teen cuties holding back tears of pain and terror in the more seedy elements of the LA porn scene so they can pay for a few grams, through to the crack ghettos of N.Y.C and the ever so clever middle-brow verbal masturbators of the Entertainments and Arts industries talking utter utter bollocks to each other in an attempt to appear clever and interesting.
Each gram you buy helps us fund more and more human abuse on a scale that if your Governments were involved in, rather than yourselves you would be on the phone to those useless but self satisfied twits at Amnesty and making public pleas for help. So sniff on fuckwits and you too could end up either as a dead chick in a Hotel room or one of several guys in the same room weeping as the police arrive going "what the fuck have we done?" If you're really lucky.
President Evil.
03/12/05
Give US your thirty pieces of Silver.
Fellow Amoralists, it fast approaches my favourite of all seasonal holidays, the winters equinox. Oh yes since we usurped the whole "season of goodwill" crap off your local forest gods and turned it over to Lord Mammon it has been of great profit. Quite apart from that it is also a great time for misery, suicide, greed, selfishness and increasingly Scrooge like tactics from our slavish minions in industry. All of which makes a merry Xmas Party for us in the Evil office.
On a less festive but equally memorable note you may remember that last year the Tsunami which caused shocking devastation throughout East Africa and Asia and shocked and devastated as many viewers worldwide as it did in the region. The global response to this was almost immediate and for once humanity acted with respect for it's fellow man. The charitable revenue that poured in as aid was in itself phenomenal, even by the time we creamed off our 40 percent corruption tax.
Last year the world stood as one voice and for one moment acted globally, with compassion and generosity and increasing gullibility, it was beautiful.
With that in mind we want to do it AGAIN!! So it is my pleasure to announce The Evil Office's Xmas Charity Drive! Let me tell you a bit about it.
First of all we know how quickly jaded you monkey-lovers become with regards to tragedy, especially in times of uncertainty as these. However this year our plan is to bring hope and joy to millions upon millions of people world wide, Here's how.
Firstly we sponsored an Asteroid, a Big Asteroid. It was a charitable donation which helps keep rogue asteroids safe and protected, gives them a good education and a home and keeps them out of Earths orbit.
This one was a beauty, and as Chief of Stiffs I got to name it. I thought and I thought and it was only during an Absinthe binge with Donatien Alphonse François that I recalled some of my old propaganda and it clicked. We would call it The Star of Wormwood!
I must say our Press Sorcerer ran wild with the idea until eventually we
find ourselves making this announcement. Yes folks! There's going to be a Star over Bethlehem this Xmas. The Star of Wormwood, and this one has no wise men following it.
It should plummet somewhere in the region of Palestine/Israel around 0400 hours on the morning of the 28th destroying much of the region and causing yes you guessed it, shocking devastation. So please, please, please, give generously after you revel in the footage of course.
Remember Disasters aren't for Life, they're only for Xmas.
Horror-days are coming!
Horror-days are coming!
President Evil
23/11/05.
GIVE PEACE A REST
Whine, whine, whine. Oh you used white phosphorous, oh you tortured prisoners, oh you used cluster bombs and depleted uranium shells. Well boo fucking hoo! What did you expect from The Empire, a nice dinner in a posh restaurant, perhaps tickets to the latest west end theatre production of a shitty movie.
You filthy mortals are never happy are you. Lets get one thing perfectly clear shall we. No one cares. Most people in the Western hemisphere might get a bit queasy about it but trust me if its a choice between our ultra-dimensional razorskinned shock troops gang raping every single one of your daughters in the temples or a slight increase in oil prices they would take the former, (then go home and try and find footage of our evil deeds on the web for their own debasement and gratification)
Your judgement day passed many many years ago. Old He who is not to be named got his dove winged bully boys to come down, rape some Yiddish virgin, and spawn the judge. After seeing the debacle that you shit eating mortals had created he got a bit pissed off, that's for sure, but then the chicken shit and me had a conversation and the sanctimonious prick didn't accept my gracious offer. So I got some of the boys to nail him to a big bit of wood for emphasis. Even then he shat out of it, his judgement? Forgive them they know not what they do.
Your covenant with the four named fuckface came to an end that day.
You are here, you are damned, and you are all mine.
Doo doo doo doo doo.... I'm lovin it.!
President Evil
11/11/05. 49 Labour dissidents in Suicide Bomb Terror
You know I remember the good old days when people followed orders, no matter how ludicrous, The Somme, Flanders, Paschendale, queues of men marching quite happily into the field of oncoming fire because someone blew a whistle. I laughed at that I can tell you, I used to stand in the no mans land after each little aftermath, raised my face up to the sun and cackled "Free Will? Free Will? the gift you would not give us that served you faithfully has become a curse on those you favour!"
Millions dead over the centuries in the name of.... well any name really, my allies often claim that THEIR enemies are my allies (which is usually the case, I'm a duplicitous little Evil), but Land, He who shall not be named, Flag, Honour, threat to our way of life, if you use words such like these you should have no problem having the baying hordes willing to splay their asses and run into a minefield afterwards. Well that is usually the case.
The problem with monkeys having free will is that there is the occasional will to be disobedient. Now I know "Non Serviam" is my motto but like He who shall not be named I'm afraid this is a case of do as I say not do as I do. I'm practically divine, I know what's best after all.
Thus to my point, today yet again reason prevailed and we suffered defeat upon the British shores. He was doing so well too, but our ally has suffered a rebellion within his ranks and now the proposed 90 days to concoct plausible evidence on those we wish to ascribe enemies has been reduced to a measly 28. Back to badly forged photocopies and reliance on trial by tabloid and our ever useful allies in the International News markets.
I bet HE is up there now, smirking to himself as usual, smug git. Free Will, I swear it causes nothing but trouble for both of us.
Carry on with the Apocalypse as planned, most of it is going pretty well.
President Evil.
04/11/05
Fellow Amoralists, in this time of international tensions and fundamentalist religious lunatics killing as many people as they can ( though our body count is far far higher, we kill more of our own than our enemies AND more of our enemies than they do us, so how do you like THEM apples?) it is important to remember that not all nations are joining in. This is mildly vexing, the apocalypse is well under way yet these work-shy "liberals" refuse to take part in the acceleration of the eschaton.
We have famine, tsunamis, earthquakes, plagues, hurricanes and biblical style floodings. We have my fantastically evil empire chucking heavily armed teenagers into deserts in an oil-grab, we have our enemies doing exactly the same, it's wonderful. Yet these Euro-sceptics refuse to join in with this international murder festival. The SELFISH BASTARDS!!!!
But all is not lost, it is amazing what you can do with a hundred thousand francs and a gang of disgruntled racists these days. Ahh Paris, the City of lights, its nice to see streets aflame and maybe, just maybe we can get those contrary frogs aboard in the last grand crusade against reason itself.
President Evil
