Rights before we go any furder let's get one fing straight. Inception is not worvy of bein' a movie o' da year. Is we really suggestin' dat a lacklustre an' frankly stoopid plot which has wot 3 levels is an intelligent and complex "clever" blockbuster? It is not! I wos gonna write a big rant about dis in a separate review but frankly it don't deserve one.

If ye enjoyed Inception an' finks "ooooh weren't it deep" scroll down past dis bit or better still, stop wotchin' reality T.V shows an' bangin yer head wif an iron bar, it's givin' ye brain damage. I knows ye monkeys ain't particularly bright, but even my cat Doofles sighed at da end of Inception an' shook its head an spewed up on me carpet in disgust (I say dis, buts I never witnessed it do so, it might just be a bits of mouldy mozzarella from a horrible pizza I hads back in August.)

So why Inception isn't very good. First of all da overt plot of da movie is dat da characters can enter dreams an' make changes in da conciousness of da dreamer using some ill explained convoluted nonsense involvin' constructin' dream architecture an' den runnin' abouts it shootin' aspects of da dreamer (which tends to act like some kind of psychic immune system) wif guns. Dese guys acts like suicide bomber bulls in da works most delicate china shop, just da sorts o' people ye'd trust to do such intricate subtle psychic espionage if ye was a Yahwehsaryan gun loon.

Anyway dey gets a job in which dey has to implant a suggestion deep in da subconciousness of an' individual dis is where da title comes from. Dis "inception" is of course really tuff an' so dey gets a team togedder to perform dis needlessly convoluted an' frankly pointless exercise. As anyone wif da slightest grasp o' understandin' da human mind coulds o' told ye, all o' dis coulds be dones, rights now, ta anyones, wifout such extreme measures. Dey shoulda just got Derren Brown ta do it.

But No! Insteads wot we get is some fankly nice special effects, lots o' shootin' an' a frankly pretentious extrapolation on da nature of reality (on par wif da simplicity o da Matrix) in which Lenny D is stuggling wif da memory o' his dead wife who keeps manifestin' to scroo him up cos dey decided to live long terms in a dream world an' havin' to face mundanity she tops herself an' he blames himself.

In short Lenny D has went bananas cos of mad dead wife. Funnily da same fing happens in Shutter Island also startin' Lenny D, in which he's subject to a mind alterin' psychodrama to try an' cure him after he kills his mad wife who kills dere children. It weren't much better dan dis, but it were a bit more sophisticated.

Back to Inception. Everyfin wins an' we ends wif an' ambiguous is he isn't he still dreamin' By dis point I was finkin' who da fug cares?

I likes Christopher Nolan, I like dat he tries to inject somefin more dan dullard ideas into his movies, but dis was pish.


Top Five.

Straight in at Five.


While quite implausible an' in points actively makin' ye shout at da screen "how stoopid is ye?!!" Buried does wot it sets outs ta do. A man (Ryan Reynolds) kidnapped by Iraqi insurgents is buried in a coffin wif a mobile phone an' held ta ransom in a race against time. Now frankly when I saw Van Wilder, I did fink dat buryin' Ryan Reynolds alive might be a humanitarian acts, but he's redeemed himself since den. Set entirely in da coffin wif him alone (I bet he LOVED dat!) as he struggles wif da uncarin' bureaucracy dat sents him dere as well as da brutal criminals who wants him ta make a ransom video, we begins ta see da point o dis movie. His character is a cipher, it's not about him really, it's about how modern communications is leavin' ye monkeys more, not less detached from each udder.  His imprisonment in da coffin is a literal an extreme metaphor for how ye is are cuttin' yerselves off from each udder and how in turn human life an da outside world (entirely missin' from dis movie) is increasin'ly devalued. Not to mention dat it's quite a good friller wif a bold if not a bit predictable endin' given da subject matter. (Yes I is a clever!)


"Exit Through the Gift Shop"

If ye haven't heard o' Banksy dat's your problem. Purportedly a documentary about da elusive "street artist" it soon turns into a documentary about an obsessive film maker who follows "street artists" around an' films dem as dey do dere works, who makes such an incomprehensible mess of his documentary about "street artists" dat he becomes one himself calls himself Mr Brainwash an gets his contacts to hype him up for his big Los Angeles show where all da fools by his rubbish stuff. Still wot we actually gets is up for debate dough I guess da main point is dat age old question "what is art" which was also examined in a similar way by Orson Welles in F For Fake.

So far dere is 2 skools of fought. One is dat Banksy and his co-conspirator Shepard Fairey essentially created dis movie to ambigiously reveal how dey groomed Mr Brainwash to sell substandard crap to an' idiotic public and da udder is dat it's all real an' da public are idiots.
Can't argue wif any o' dat. Whomever da jokes on, it's a good one.


Anudder documentary (I told ye I wos a Clever). Dis one about young men who is hired guns for an aggressive Superpower. Dese invaders is fightin' frankly psychotic pig ignorant assholes dat probably deserve ta dies, but bein' dat da superpower has continually made a mess o' every fight it's ever been in, dey ends up havin' not only to fight pig ignorant assholes, but pig ignorant locals too. Set on a hill in da middle of Nowheres, Afghanistan, dese hired guns is under extreme conditions, as dey try an' gets rid of da pig ignorant assholes who has decided dat dis is where dey draw da line.Under almost constant fire, alone an' under life freatenin' duress, we see somfin' dat Hollywood movies like da Hurt Locker attempt but ultimately fail to address (and society increasin'ly seems to as well) which is dat dese hired guns, placed in such an extreme situation forgo da frivolities of da sickenin' princely ego driven culture dey has left behind an' instead become utterly reliant on each udder. They no longer are individuals, dey are a unit, dey define each udder, are vital an necessary to each udder and dare I say it love each udder. Not in a bumfoolery way (dough maybe now DADT is out da way dey can gets on wif a bit o dat if dey feel so inclined) but in a way that is utterly missin' from life back home.

In a deeply harrowin' scene when one of dere number dies, we don't see a Hollywood version where everyone gets angry and swears revengeance, no, what we see is men, grown men, stunned, in total shock, crying and howling at da loss.

For dat scene alone it's worf yer eye time, but da nervous and nihilistic post match interviews interspersed frough dese scenes of intensity increase da volume of da entire fing.

The Last Exorcism.

Anudder documentary. A false one (perhaps like Exit frough da Gift Shop) which people claim is a horror movie, but really except for the fantastic 1970's Satan Movie endin' is more a movie about lack of faith versus fundamental belief, dough (agains like Exit frough da Gift Shop), we cannot fully accept dat wot we is seein' is even meant ta be a documentary in da first place. Essentially a tale about a disillusioned pastor who considers dat religion rests in da power o' drama an' as such "performs" exorcisms for gullible Jehovah cultists for cash. We learn quickly about his interests in magic (as in pick a card not as in sacrificin' goats an' talkin ta da likes o me) an' film-makin' as he explains how he is goin' ta show da documentary crew just wot it is his fake exorcisms entail. He doesn't see himself as a conman dough because he considers dat while da service he performs is fake, it benefits da witless fools dat asks for it in da first place.

So, he goes to da house of dis Fundamentalist dude who's daughter has been gettin' up at night an' guttin' his animals where he performs his fake exorcism an' leaves wif da cash.

Den fings get really really bad.

I'll give no more away save ta say, pay attention an' fink about wot's goin' on an da plot, which isn't complex, but clever in a way Inception so desperately tries to be an utterly fails to.

Kick Ass.

I laffed an' laffed an' laffed. One o da stoopidest, entertainin' most outrageously violent offerin's from mainstream cinema since Kill Bill. In a medium which is constantly tryin' to make serious and legitimise da ridiculous concept dat people who had superpowers would become vigilantes in stoopid costumes, Kick Ass pokes fun at da entire medium. Den pokes some more, den pokes a big bleedin' hole frough it an' tells it to go fuck itself. While it is a bit "annoyin' teen" dat I complained about in last blogs w/r to Misfits, Just see this, it's a riot. A kid decides ta becomes a superhero an' is shit at it but neverdaless gets accidently caught up wif psychotic vigilantes and brutal organised criminals. It's great!

NEXT. Games and Music.