Following is my review of:
Da Official 1 millionth Watchmen Blog Review (Probly)
Watchmen, nanananananananana WATCHMEN!!! WATCHMEN! WATCHMEN! WATCHMEN!!!!
So I just been to see Watchmen an' din't really enjoy it. Dere is some real fundamental reasons why. Imagine if ye will some looney billionaire turns up at a school wif a 100 million dollars and a copy of Watchmen and flings them at a dimwitted fanboy and says "go make dis into a 2 an a half hour movie". If ye cans imagine dat den ye can imagines Watchmen. It's like a student movie wif an overbearing cliched an' frankly annoyin' soundtrack which is seemin'ly so loud as to stun yer pereceptual apparatus inta not noticin' da serious deep flaws in dis movie. Which makes it a perfect hollywood film. Dere are spoilers in dis, but if you haven't read Watchmen, den tough. It's not like da entire comic community hasn't been ravin' about it to everyone for da last 20 years.
If ye is not familiar wif da plot go read da book, cos Zack Snyder has ripped da heart of it out, leavin' it more convincin'ly undead dan his remake of Dawn of Da Deads. But in essence it's about da idealism of superheroes in comparison to da flawed reality of humanity. So wots wrong wif dis movie?
Well I mentioned da rubbish soundtrack, which at points is laffable for example da twangin' of "Da Sound of Silence" as we pan over a cemetery (we knows dis cos of da sign dat says CEMETERY) an' den "Hullo darkness my ol' friend" nearly mades me LOL out louds. Dat and da fact dat it never stops, almost every scene is flooded wif music until ye just wanna shouts "will ye turn dat music down" like some grumpy ol' downstairs dad type tryin' to watch Question of Sport while ye is tryin' to listen to Bernard Da Happy Parrot's new experimental Thrash Jazz album.
Secondly dere is some really really bad actin'. Now I is not blamin' da actors for dis because in da main dey pull out some good performances. Jeffery Dean Morgan is pretty good as amoral scumbag "Da Comedian". Jack Earle Haley's Rorschach is pretty good and da rest of da cast to dere jobs, but in some scenes it looks as if Snyder forgot he was directin' a movie an' da perfomances drop into da embarrassin'. To be fairs it looked like da actors were picked solely because dey look a bit like da characters in da comic radder dan actin' ability.
Firdly, dere is da fight scenes. Everyfin' slooooows dooooowwwwn and denspeedsup an' den sloooows doowwwn and denspeedsup. Da problem wif dis is dat at normal speed, dey mights have acrtually had more time to shape da plot dey had to work wif.
Den dere is da sets. Sometimes ye dunno if it's 1958 or 1985. Dere is some piss poor Nixon wif a Cyrano De Bergerac comedy false nose who sits in da "war room" straights outta Doctor Stangelove, but wifout da comedy antics of George C Scott to inject it wif any sense of ludicrousness.
Den dere is da BIG problem about da altered endin'. But I'll get to dat laters.
In da main it follows da comic as closely as a two anna half hour movie can. Sometimes frame by frame, but in doin' dis certain decisions has to have been made about what is removed and wot's been removed is not always trivial. In fact often wots been left out is da true motivations of da characters (this is speshully true of Ozymandias). A good example of dis is would be Doctor Manhattan. See wot Watchmen does is give da back story of each of da main characters an' Snyder gets into dis wif relish for Da Comedian, who is really da most superfluous character in da entire fing. Because of dis da glorious backstory of Doctor Manhattan is dramatically truncated (it forms da centrepiece of da book) as he remebbers his past and his and future while hoverin' above da sands of Mars.
Personally I fink dat dis was a massive mistake, cos it is da creation of Doctor Manhattan dat causes dat alternative reality to be truly alternative to ours. Da rest are just humans in costumes Manhattan is not. AAAAAAND what is really important is dat da events dat leads to dis variation, and his accidental apofeosis start wif a Fat man standing on and breaking his girlfriends watch. (Watchmen... see?) Wot we is treated to is a potted origin story, radder dan an understandin' of how dis human wif all his flaws wifdraws into a dispassionate puppet of a higher order of reality. Lackin' dat he is simply a curious blue superpowered anomaly wif his jennies out.
Because Snyder lavishes over da story of Da Comedian, we lose also da wonderful discussion between Doc M and his ex-girlfiend Laurie and da heart wrenchin' revelation dat dat conversation entails is reduced to a moment of "oh rights..." I don't wanna here time contraints as an excuse here, dere was plenty of fat dat could have been trimmed in order dat we could have a better glimpse at da protagonists lives and as such invest emotion in dere plights. But dat's not hollywood is it? Why go for drama when we can go for tits and blood ejaculations? An dat brings me to annudder point about da same fing. Da unhealthy love affair between Laurie and Dan, which is both tender and bizarre is turned into a quick costume diddlin'. Da madness of Rorschach is also skipped over. (Intrestin'ly dey has no problem showin' him butcher a child killer wif a meat cleaver (which ain't in da book, his fate is much worse) but gets squeamish about showin' him killin' da dogs (whom da murderer fed da little girl to) But it is da dog is da key dat unlocks his memory in da first place. Passed over.
So den da final kick in da teef. NO fuggin' Squid.
I should point out dat dis is more an aesthetic change dan a film ruining one. BUT! In order dat da new ending makes any sense we has to A) care about da Characters. B) Understand da motivations of da antagonist. C) Appreciate da crime dat he has commited.
BIG SPOILER (Ye has been warned)
So, I understand dat Alan Moore's original ending in which Ozymandias, years earlier, predictin' nuclear armageddon, sets up an elaborate scheme to end all war by collectin' a bunch of artists, horror writers and scientists on an island to create a massive squidlike creature dat is den teleported into New York sending out a physical and psychic explosion which kills Half of New York and sends millions insane, could be a bit bizarre for yer average popcorn munchin' ape. Also since some crazy fools crashed some planes into da twin towers, Moore's Ozymandias seems naive and anachronistic, since that didn't bring about world peace, it isn't likely da squid would eidder.
So da new idea, dat of framin' Doctor Manhattan for killing da citizens of New York, Paris, Moscow and various udder cities by his blooey powers in itself would have worked well. However! In dis dey fail da above A B an C.
Again so much has been invested in first part o da movie, dat Ozymandias' backstory is reduced to a few lines early on and an very slight exposition later on. We learn nuffin' about his motivation really. Nor do we really care about his crime. Sure he destroyed all dese cities, but when Laurie an' Doc Manhattan turns up in New York, dere is some devastation, but we are given only a mere glimpse of it. Gone are the piles of corpses in Times Square, or Madison square Garden. What we get is a big hole and some grey windy mist an since we don't really care about da characters da final confrontation an compromise seems too casual. Too rushed.
In fact I fink it is fair to say dat we end up like Doctor Manhattan, observin' dese events without havin' anyfin' of ourselves invested in dem. Perhaps dat was da point, but if it was den it makes no sense.
Frankly I fink if you've read Watchmen, dere is little point in seein' dis and if you've not read Watchmen den you is gonna see a movie in which da characters are little more dan cyphers to push forward a plot which while not incomprehensible by any means, has no real effect on you as a viewer.
Alan Moore has stated dat for Fiction to work it must be emotionally true, wot Snyder has done has taken out ALL da emotional truth and left us as I said, like Doctor Manhattan, cold, aloof observers of events that cannot really matter to us, since we have lost all identification with da characters.
Considerin' da nature of da finale' and how pertinent it is now dat Earf seems to be enterin' a new Cold War, dis was, I fink a massive error and to gloss over dese characters in order to invest so much time in givin' the history of a character who is all but superflous since he dies at da beginnin' of da movie, is just really shoddy work.
4 fumbs up outta Ten.
Go read Da book. By da time you get ready, go for a meal, traipse to da cinema, endure da slew of adverts and trailers for dis years cover versions of old T.V. shows and Nick Cage's latest abomination, den endure dis folly of a movie, you would have probably got frough it anyway.
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