Stowaway's Guide to: Cthulhu Island Resort.
I gots suspicious when I founds da Websters suitcase was stashed wif holiday stuff an' dey kept tryin' ta gets me ta eat a “fudge cake” wif chunks of fudge dat looked almost exactly like sleepin' pills. Well dey weren'ts gonna gets da better of me, so I ates dat stupid cake just ta spites dem.
My plan worked. When I woked up 48 hours later dey was gone! Dey left dis curious note.
Kuredu! I hoped I'd never hear dat word agains. It was ol' Hopkins, da Curator at da Secret Library dat once told me dat Kuredu was a local dialect version of Great Cthulhu himselfs an' dat dere was still a very active cult out dere in da Indian Ocean. Da Websters, bein' especially dim an' gullible was no doubts gonna end up on da authentic cannibal buffet menu, if I didn't rescue dem.
I checked on of da low cost Airlines (Da Webster wos stoopid enuff ta leave his emergency credit card at homes, but his limit wouldn't reach to extra special first class on Fancy Airlines) cos I needed ta go quickly, I wos already runnin' late. Luckily I found a flight dat had so many stop offs and crossed several international date lines before reaching Kuredu, dat it actually went backs in time
I gots to Male' a couple of hours before dey did, den I pretended I was a tourist and got me camera outs and got a sea plane taxi to da resort itself.
Look at dis... is its a photo of some dark temple to da Elder Gods? Let's hope so.
When we touched down on Kuredu itself, I was struck by how tranquil and relaxin' everyfin' seemed to be. Da place was well kept, I guess it had ta be since it was disguised as a luxury holiday resort. I means looks at dis, dis was da track to da reception. Donts it look nice?
Da heat, jetlag, friendly staff an' me still half dozed wif potent narcotics made me lose me edge, I started buyin' into da whole “paradise” scam dat da evil Cthulhu Cult was up to. I was havin' a cups of herbal tea wif added ginger sittin' in a big chair wif a gentle breeze waftin' in, makin' pleasant noises on da bamboo wind chimes. I hads almost forgotten why I came and lazily looked up ta look at da wind chimes.
Den my bloods ran cold. It was just a little fing, somefin' da unsuspectin' tourist would glance at an' never question, but to da trained eye, to someone likes me who's got 46% Cthulhu mythos skill an' has never failed a San roll, da evidence was conclusive. Da cult really was active behinds da scenes.
For da Cthulhu Cult is not, as some fink, hidden, on da contrary, where dey is active dey is active in plain sight, if only one knows how to spot dere symbols and signs.
I does, and so when me eyes glanced at an innocent lookin' wind chime to witness one of dere most potent and commonly used symbols, I knew danger lay ahead. For what I saw on dat wind chime was none udder dan da Elder Sign. A Glyph of da Great Old Ones demselves. Da sign says dat da cult is ready, and has it's eye upon da stars, waiting for da alignment to be right for da gate to open an' for Great Cthulhu to rise from da sea an' rule da World once more.
As luck would have its, it turned out da stars were gonna be right that night! I hads to get vestigatin' an quick!
I first snuck up to a large buildin' seemin'ly owned by a former Marine Botanist called Senior Dolcé, who had been driven mad investigatin' BLOOP an' now spent his days eatin' imported hallucinogenic toads an' injectin' himself wif heroin. His Cabana (as he called it) was filled wif weird objects from all over da oceans. Dese giant floatin' luminous shells was washed up on da beach after da big Tsunami a few years back. Coincidence? Perhaps. However when you can get close enough to dese to listen, dey seems to sing. Mostly it soun's a lot like James Brown or Jackie Wilson but none the less creepy for it.
Dolcé could mix up a splendid cocktail but he'd lost most of his wits in fightin' da horrors of da ancient ones an' could no more help me dan a stick of celery could. I left him to his mad ramblin's and decided to continue to da Jetty.
At dat point Da Websters had turned up an' I couldn't lets dem know I was abouts. So when dey also arrived at da Jetty I had ta hide untils dey was out of sight.
Dis is wheres I hid. While I was hidin' I noticed dat dere was strange goin's on in da water, in fact, I was been followed by a F.I.B. (Fish in Black). It trieds to pretend dat it was just some normal fish in black just so happenin' to be sneakin' abouts behind me. However it changed its tune whens I turned da camera ons it. Look!
Da fish knew it had been rumbled an' sped off, no doubt to relay da news dat I was on to dem alls.
After abouts forty minutes I knew da coast was clear an' snuck outs from da Jetty back onto da island where I heards a commotions in da trees. At first I wasn't gonna 'vestigate buts den I realised wot I was seein'!
Dats right! It's one of da trees from da Hit TV Show “LOST”.It was currently filmin' a documentary about Treesplotation movies. Needless to say it did not heed me dire warnings. I left it dere pretendin' it knew somethin' bout Timberyard Gore movies before it gots too dark. Hackin' an slashin' through about forty maybe fifty inches of dense jungle, I suddenly founds what I was lookin' for. Remnants. Fore dere in da middle of dis holiday resort, far from da eyes of even da exceptionally nosey tourist, is an ancient structure, an artifact of a prehuman time, an outpost of the Corpse City of R'lyeh, where no doubt da priests of Cthulhu would be sacrificin' da Websters to dere evil God.
I heards several voices behinds me and mad-dashed backs into da forest before I got caughts. All I hads to do nows was find da high priesty wizard guy an stop him before night fells.
From da East came unearthly sounds as da cult got inta action. I fleds fast as I could from da Outpost area, determined ta get back to da main reception, perhaps dere was a phone I could use to
alerts someone wif! However I soon realised dat in da dark, da road weren't for a romantic holiday stroll, on no, when nights came down it was a pavement into TERRORS!!! In da distance I could just makes out da evil flamin' torches of da cultists an' hear da foul rhythmic drummin'. It wasn't long before I heards screamin'.
It was dead scary, but soons I was in a clearin' an' in da distance I could see a camp in da distance.
It was fenced off an' it looked like it might be military. I wents closer to take a photo an' could makes out a runway an a couple of planes. AND! A NUKE!
Then suddenly I was discovered! At first I heard just a couple o' voices but then soon dere was a whole bunch of dem after me. At first I guessed it would be da Cthulhu Cultists but I was wrong!
It was a bunch of Yahwehsaryan Airforce guys. When dey caught me dey explained dat, Yes da stars was right an' yes Cthulhu was about to rise, but da whole island was a fake island to lure da Old One right into da path of some kind of science magic fing where he'd end up getting Nuked and destroyed forever. Everyone had been escorted off da island hours before except military an' a few reformed cultists wif a bit of dark magic knowledge. Dey said I was welcome to watch an' take photos if I wanted. How could I pass up da chance. I would gets to see Da Great One after all and get to watch da extinction of his race. Sounds like a good evenin' to me.
Fing is... just den me camera charge ran outs, so I can't show ye da fearsome awesomeness of Great Cthulhu, which is a pity cos you should have seen da place, insane men on fire runnin' about laughin', Da Nuke hits da fing and BLAAAAAM everyfin' goes white. When I opened me eyes it I was on da Beach, da next mornin'.
Da dark menace had been thwarted an' all signs of da cult an' da soldiers had gones. It tooks me a while ta realise dat dat was because I'd been blown onto anudder island nearby, where all da tourists had been havin' a great time. I spied da Websters an' sneaked into dere room, I knew they'd be pleased to see me.
Oh yeah. Cthulhu couldn't properly recombine after dat, but da incident did make up for 4 days or really major storms over Asia an' China from does four days up to da solstice. Strange fing was dat on da soltice da thick dark clouds simply vanished. Dis Octoface return to his watery tomb? Dunno, buts one day, I'll finds out da troof!!!
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