Audleys big guide ta 2009 (The Year of Plague)
Ah well da year started of strong wif Da Israeli's defendin' demselves by attackin Gaza ta stop da might of da evil Hamas an' killin' lots of people. It was all above board as could be told by the non stop news coverage from wifin Gaza so it's a pretty even conflict an casualties were minimal on boaf sides we wish all of dem well in dere attempts ta play da biggest victim.
In better news January hailed da first Black man ta becomes president of da United States. Civil Rights has come full circle cos it also means da Barak Obama is da first black man in da U.S. in two hundred years or so ta become a slave. Shame really.
Iceland collapsed, probably because of dere use of da despicable coke fiend Kerry Katona in dere shitty prolefeed adverts.
In February da crazy Taliban continued dere radical haircuts an Australia went up in flames again.
In March swine flu was released to a keen media who made it inta a mad drama which was much more entertainin' dan most of da T.V. Of da year. Some guys dat hit balls wif sticks got attacked in Pakistan an' in a massive display of hypocrisy da ICC sent out an arrest warrant against da scumbag President of Sudan, while all da Western atrocities continued heroically.
May had North Korea wavin' it's flaccid dick about in an attempt to impress while it's civilians ate each other. While in South Korea da Ex-pres topped himself after alleged corruption charges.
June. I uncovered a Cthulhu Cult in the Indian ocean an' some guy called Jack Michaels, who sang some decent songs, went from being black to white and was suspected of kiddy diddlin' about 20 years ago died leadin' ta a sad state of affairs where Iran, who had a big strop about which crazed anti-american puppet became president, was pushed of the news schedule so we could see a bunch of weirdlings weep and snivel about da death of dis guy.
July. Said guy was buried. Some said he rose after three days and promised he would return from heaven soon to lead the chosen to da new Jerusalem. We is still waitin' for dat.
August. Da release of a dying man from prison causes outrage amongst dose who like people ta suffer unless it's in countries dey don't approves of, den dey bleat about how draconian such regimes are an' want to kill da citizens of dat country for bein' backwards.
September. Suddenly an' wifout ANY warning over da last 40 years wotsoever, da climate changed. Leadin' ta swift and drastic inaction from everybody but advertisers an' dere children and dere childrens children.
October. Loadsa people gets killed in da border between Afghanistan an' Pakistan, but dey don'ts count cos dey wasn't wearin' Nato uniforms.
November. Capitalism succeeds once more as Dubai becomes as skint as most udder states as actual specie goes inta da hands of fewer and fewer an' imaginary debt goes inta da hands of more an more.
December. Climate change continues to cause so much concern dat nuffin' is done.
So dat was da year dat went. No real surprises, ye monkeys is stupid and likes ta kill each udder an' pretend dere is some real reason for it udder dan being mental an' bloodthirsty.
Still in many ways dere was some good fings. Here's some of dem.
All in all a fine year. It started well wif Animal Collectives Merriweather Post Pavilion soon followed by da terrific Fever Ray. We had Mastodon in fine form wif Crack the Skye an' Grizzly Bear released da amazin' Veckatimest. Fuck Buttons Tarot Sport made us all enjoy straightforward techno again an' even Da Flamin' Lips got it togeder by fallin' apart wif da great Embryonic. Da Arctic Monkeys fucked about wif Queens of Da Stone Age an' gave us a grower an' da Mars Volta let da side down wif da lacklustre Octahedron. Late in da year cames da quirky an' pretty damn good Logos by Atlas Sound an' da year ended as it began wif da Animal Collective's new EP.
Still I fink da best album of da year has ta go ta Grizzly Bear, not only cos it's brilliant, but because it made nobody elses top spot an' it should have been.
I din't watch dat many this year but here's my faves in no order.
If I watched udders I can't recall just now.
Sorry I won't hear of anyfin' but Left 4 Dead an' it's sequel. Scroo modern warfare! Dat fing should come wif papers ta enlist inta da Imperial Army.
An dat's it. Get lost 2009, let's see if 2010 is da year we make contact or da year da monkeys blow more of each udder up. I'm finkin' da latter.
All da bestest.
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