Fing is dat most of ye probly fink.. "shoes? has she gone mads? what 'bouts chainsaws anti-personnel devices an' cluster bombs?" Well says Audley, "shut it you idiot, dis is a survival guide, nots go be a gun-totin' hero den get scoffed or killed by yer own poorly maintained weapons guide, if dat's wot ye wants ye is a fool! SHOES!"

See shoes is important cos more likely dan not yer isn't one of dem crazy barefoot witches from da Black Temple, and yer feets is probly all soft an smothered in sock in super protection. However in Zombie Judgement Day, ye is gonna have to be walkin' an awful awful lot, an' you is gonna need comfy shoes an lots of em. Sure you mights fink ye've had a blister cos yer strappy sandle or football boot has been a bit tight, but dey is nuffin' compared ta da fleshy bloons filled wif rank interstitial fluid pus an blood ye is likely ta get if ye has ta traipse 400 miles in shoes dat is soaked an erodin' wif every mile cos it's da middle of winter. Maintain yer feet at all costs or even a legless zombie will be able ta chase ye.

Yeah suddenly yer not laffin' eh? NYAH!

Ropes. Chances are, if ye is readin dis, ye is a Captain Fatso wif about as much upper body strengf as a Tryannosaur wif muscular dystrophy. Da chances dat ye is gonna survive is slim, but if by some miracle ye has stopped stuffin' yer face long enuff ta avoid da zombies ye is gonna have ta get fit sharpish, cos ye will need ta keep off da ground. Ropes ye see is useful for suspendin' between buildin's or usin' on da outside of same ta climb ta roofs in relative safety, dey can be used ta bind up doors, packs an' even lynchin' an' members of yer team who does somefin' life freatenin'ly stupid. Course most of ye already knows dis, I gets da feelin' ye've spent yer lives playin' dungeon an dragons.

Pillows. Dis might seem like a luxury item, but ye never knows where ye is gonna rest yer head, an' if ye fink bouts it, havin' a stiff neck from sleepin' in a dumb position, could be seriously dangerous if ye can'ts see where da brain munchers is comin' from. Stayin' comfy is stayin' safe.

Plastic sheetin'. From protectin' ye and yer stash from rain an' snow ta makin' a tent ta usin' it for extra body heat storage Plastic sheetin' is a must. Also it's a good fing ta slaughter animals on, so ye don't waste any of dere blood. Yeah it might sound disgustin' now, but a couple o pints o' moo blood mixed wif oats is fillin' an nutritious, specially' since ye might find yerself 3 starvation lengfs from da next city dat has not been over-run. A versatile fing is plastic sheetin' do not go into da future wifout some.

Books. Robinson Crusoe was stranded on a deserted island an' went mad, started hallucinatin' some dude he called Friday. So remember, loneliness can kill. Fink of da immense stress ye will be under, da world ye knew swept away, all yer family an' friends munched by da undead, rottin' corpse stink everywhere, gettin' chased by increasin' horrors, an above all dat, ye mights have no company. It's important for ye ta keep yer wits, so get yerself some books. It's yer choice but i'd stay away from books dat is gonna remind ye of all ye have lost, Science Fiction, Fantasy, How to books, dese are all acceptable, 100 Greatest Party Cities, or Fusion Recipes for the Ultimate dinner party is utter fail!

A Can opener. Dat's self explanatory, but burn it inta yer brains, ye will be amazed how many will forgets such a fundamental fing. Same wif matches an lighters.

Candles. Dese is more important dan matches an lighters cos dey has sustained flame, so apart from givin' much needed light at night, ye will probly eventually use dese as yer main source of fire unless yer one of dem boyscout types dat can make fire wif lego an' spam. Candles is a wise choice.

Bleach. Dead fings rot, rotten fings spread disease, disease kills. So does bleach even more since it kills bacteria. Don't use it on da toilet bowl, save it an' use it on corpse mountains instead, a clean hideyhole is a safe hideyhole.

Tin foil. Dis is somefin else dat ye might fink a luxury, but it has almost as many uses as plastic sheetin'. Ye can make sure dat dog ye killed gets roasted properly, an' ye can use it as a cheap kind of solar sheetin'. Use yer brain wif dis one an ye will find dat tin foil is a much better mans best friend dan roast fido.

Boot polish. Perfect for camoflage and keepin' shoes in good condition as well as a source of fuel in desperation. Neat an small, keep some at yer side.

More to follow.