Before we starts, a lil word about guns. Many zombie self help guides out dere will tell ye dat ye need guns. Dis is mental an' here's why.
Yeah ye mights pick off a few zombies wif 'em, but once dey is empty many people will find it difficult ta chuck away, so inevitably dey will go on ammo hunts. Dis is irresponsible, negligent an' increases da chance ye will get scoffed. So screw guns, ye wants a weapon? Gets yerself somefin' like a hockey stick or two an bolt some meat cleavers to da end of em. But dis is about defence an' survival, not risk takin' an attack so let's get to Da Stash.
Obviously ye will needs food. Tinned food an lots of it, dis will means ye will also needs somefin to carry it in. I recommend da good ol' shoppin' trolley. Make sure ye gets meat fish veg an fruit, not just 1200 cans o' tuna, or ye'll end up malnourished. Cos ye is gonna be eatin' cheap food ye will also needs toilet rolls and lots of em too. Granted ye can wipe yer bum wif old clothes ye find as well but trust me, ye is gonna be shittin' yerself quite a bit so be on da safe side an get toilet rolls.
Don't bother wif anyfin but a basic first aid kit, anyfin remotely serious means death an so ye don't wanna be weighed down wif unnecessary stuff, if ye don't have to. A word on dis. If ye can find a location to hole up near a pharmacy, measure up da risk of stayin' dere for as long as possible 'gainst da increase in zombies, especially if ye has any condition dat may require drugs. If ye don't, den walk out into a horde cos ye is gonna be dead soon enuff. Also take note dat most big cities have warehouses and distrubution centres, get to know where dey is right now an' let the dweebs fight it out to da death in da local omni-mart.
Wheels is always a good fing to have, but not ones ye is gonna have ta use fuel for. I recommend bikes, cos ye can go real fast wif dem as opposed ta skateboards or roller skates, plus ye can get dese fancy transformer style bikes dese days dat fold up, so keep dat in minds.
Now ye will also needs stuff ta drink. But Audley, says you, dey is zombies, dey aint gonna cause a problem to da water! WRONG! says Audley. Don't believe me? Go make yerself a cup o' coffee wif water from da Corpse River Ganjes and see how long ye can keep drinkin' it before ye vom like a maniac (unless ye is one of dem dudes dat lives off da Ganjes, in which case, bottoms up!) Zombies will be infestin' da water as well as da land, an if it's Aeger Cursor Mortuus ye has to deal wif, water supplies may be a transmission vector, so watch out! Get bottled water. Luckily most of da office spaces will have coolers, but it might be risky to attain, so as always use yer loaf!
Ye will need da followin' miscellaneous fings. Shoes, Ropes, Pillows, Plastic sheeting, At least 3 books, a can opener, matches an lighters, candles, bleach, tin foil, boot polish, thumbtacks and pens.
Find out why tomorrer.
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