Audley Strange's Big Fantastic Guide to survivin' the Zombpocalypse.

(typed up verbatim by Webster)


First of alls, it's when not if. Gets it inta yer heads while ye has still gots 'em, one way or anudder da dead is gonna start risin' an dey is gonna eat all yer brains. Now for most of ye, dat won'ts make much of a difference, but for ye who finks to demselves “no way is I getting brainscoffed” den dis is da books for ye!

Now dere is a couple o' books out dere tellin' ye hows to survive in da zombpocalypse, but da most famous of dem is written by a doofus comedy writer an' a Yahwesayran to boots an lets me tell ye, I finks he gots paid by da zombie food corporation ta helps herd ye dullards inta da oncomin' gnashers of da billions of risen corpses. He goes on an on about how ta fights of da undeads wif whole varities of weapons an stuff which may seems practical, but is very likely ta gets ye munched along wif all da rest of ye monkeys.

Cos of da trend in dese negligent “self help” books, I decided ta jumps on da bandwagon wif me own, knowin' dat at least mines would offer REAL PRACTICAL ADVICE, insteads of blind assertions, extrapolations of fantasy an' just plain nonsense. So if ye is really serious about survivin'

(an lets face it, in a world where ye might witness yer loved ones getting' chewed up by swarms of dead eyed rotted kids wif flesh da colour of bruises an' stinkin' like an abattoir toilet, ye mights not wanna) den dis is definitely da BIG FANTASTIC guide for ye.

Part one.

Species of Zombie.

One. Overview

Dere is many classes of undead. From poseur Vampires ta depressin' Frankensteins, from da smartypant Lich to da common household ghost. However da zombie is different in many ways from dese. Da most important difference is dat ALL zombies has little in da way of brains (perhaps dats why dey always wanna eat yours hahahah). However dey is not totally brain dead an' while dey don'ts have da self preservation instinct of livin' reptilians, dey do seem to function at a very similar primal level. Dis is why serious damage to da brain stops most of 'em. However while dey is all similar in dis respect dere is a lot of differences worf notin'.

Da most common species mentioned in da media are da Pedes Mortuus, walking dead, which are characterised by dere slow stumbling or crawlin' movements. Dis type of zombie is, on its own, not really a problem, but dey do tends (like all species of zombie) ta cluster in huge numbers an' apart from dere occassional groanin' is very quiet.

Da second most well known species is Aeger Cursor Mortuus. Da Infected Runnin' Dead. While dese beasties is quick off da mark, dere high pitched howlin' an' feral roars to alert dere buddies to da location of warm flesh an brains can be heards at quite a distance, and is usually so loud as to exceed 120 decibels.

However dere are two udder species of zombie which while less publicised are still potentially da type which will one day roam da planet wif da intent of dinin' on yer lungs.

Furtim Mortuus. Da Sneaky Dead. Dis type o' zombie is, as it's name suggests, sneaky. While not smart, dey do tend ta keep to da shadows an' dark places an' is often only seen at nights (generally very briefly) Dey doesn't have any vocalisations an often lie amongst actual deads waitin' for stupid victims.

Alacritas Mortuus. Da Animated Dead. Dere is some discussion about dis lot. Some say dey should not even be categorised as zombies and should go in da Frankensteins group since dey is usually brought ta life by black scientists or dark magicians. Dey can be programmed to perform lots o' tasks an' usually dey is considered tools radder dan antagonists. However!!!!!! Audley has seen dese critters replicate expotentially due to clever viral programmin' and as such considers dem as much a danger as any natural zombie species.