Shoes.

Fing is dat most of ye probly fink.. "shoes? has she gone mads? what 'bouts chainsaws anti-personnel devices an' cluster bombs?" Well says Audley, "shut it you idiot, dis is a survival guide, nots go be a gun-totin' hero den get scoffed or killed by yer own poorly maintained weapons guide, if dat's wot ye wants ye is a fool! SHOES!"

See shoes is important cos more likely dan not yer isn't one of dem crazy barefoot witches from da Black Temple, and yer feets is probly all soft an smothered in sock in super protection. However in Zombie Judgement Day, ye is gonna have to be walkin' an awful awful lot, an' you is gonna need comfy shoes an lots of em. Sure you mights fink ye've had a blister cos yer strappy sandle or football boot has been a bit tight, but dey is nuffin' compared ta da fleshy bloons filled wif rank interstitial fluid pus an blood ye is likely ta get if ye has ta traipse 400 miles in shoes dat is soaked an erodin' wif every mile cos it's da middle of winter. Maintain yer feet at all costs or even a legless zombie will be able ta chase ye.

Yeah suddenly yer not laffin' eh? NYAH!

Ropes. Chances are, if ye is readin dis, ye is a Captain Fatso wif about as much upper body strengf as a Tryannosaur wif muscular dystrophy. Da chances dat ye is gonna survive is slim, but if by some miracle ye has stopped stuffin' yer face long enuff ta avoid da zombies ye is gonna have ta get fit sharpish, cos ye will need ta keep off da ground. Ropes ye see is useful for suspendin' between buildin's or usin' on da outside of same ta climb ta roofs in relative safety, dey can be used ta bind up doors, packs an' even lynchin' an' members of yer team who does somefin' life freatenin'ly stupid. Course most of ye already knows dis, I gets da feelin' ye've spent yer lives playin' dungeon an dragons.

Pillows. Dis might seem like a luxury item, but ye never knows where ye is gonna rest yer head, an' if ye fink bouts it, havin' a stiff neck from sleepin' in a dumb position, could be seriously dangerous if ye can'ts see where da brain munchers is comin' from. Stayin' comfy is stayin' safe.

Plastic sheetin'. From protectin' ye and yer stash from rain an' snow ta makin' a tent ta usin' it for extra body heat storage Plastic sheetin' is a must. Also it's a good fing ta slaughter animals on, so ye don't waste any of dere blood. Yeah it might sound disgustin' now, but a couple o pints o' moo blood mixed wif oats is fillin' an nutritious, specially' since ye might find yerself 3 starvation lengfs from da next city dat has not been over-run. A versatile fing is plastic sheetin' do not go into da future wifout some.

Books. Robinson Crusoe was stranded on a deserted island an' went mad, started hallucinatin' some dude he called Friday. So remember, loneliness can kill. Fink of da immense stress ye will be under, da world ye knew swept away, all yer family an' friends munched by da undead, rottin' corpse stink everywhere, gettin' chased by increasin' horrors, an above all dat, ye mights have no company. It's important for ye ta keep yer wits, so get yerself some books. It's yer choice but i'd stay away from books dat is gonna remind ye of all ye have lost, Science Fiction, Fantasy, How to books, dese are all acceptable, 100 Greatest Party Cities, or Fusion Recipes for the Ultimate dinner party is utter fail!

A Can opener. Dat's self explanatory, but burn it inta yer brains, ye will be amazed how many will forgets such a fundamental fing. Same wif matches an lighters.

Candles. Dese is more important dan matches an lighters cos dey has sustained flame, so apart from givin' much needed light at night, ye will probly eventually use dese as yer main source of fire unless yer one of dem boyscout types dat can make fire wif lego an' spam. Candles is a wise choice.

Bleach. Dead fings rot, rotten fings spread disease, disease kills. So does bleach even more since it kills bacteria. Don't use it on da toilet bowl, save it an' use it on corpse mountains instead, a clean hideyhole is a safe hideyhole.

Tin foil. Dis is somefin else dat ye might fink a luxury, but it has almost as many uses as plastic sheetin'. Ye can make sure dat dog ye killed gets roasted properly, an' ye can use it as a cheap kind of solar sheetin'. Use yer brain wif dis one an ye will find dat tin foil is a much better mans best friend dan roast fido.

Boot polish. Perfect for camoflage and keepin' shoes in good condition as well as a source of fuel in desperation. Neat an small, keep some at yer side.

More to follow. 

Your Stash.

Before we starts, a lil word about guns. Many zombie self help guides out dere will tell ye dat ye need guns. Dis is mental an' here's why.
Yeah ye mights pick off a few zombies wif 'em, but once dey is empty many people will find it difficult ta chuck away, so inevitably dey will go on ammo hunts. Dis is irresponsible, negligent an' increases da chance ye will get scoffed. So screw guns, ye wants a weapon? Gets yerself somefin' like a hockey stick or two an bolt some meat cleavers to da end of em. But dis is about defence an' survival, not risk takin' an attack so let's get to Da Stash.

Obviously ye will needs food. Tinned food an lots of it, dis will means ye will also needs somefin to carry it in. I recommend da good ol' shoppin' trolley. Make sure ye gets meat fish veg an fruit, not just 1200 cans o' tuna, or ye'll end up malnourished. Cos ye is gonna be eatin' cheap food ye will also needs toilet rolls and lots of em too. Granted ye can wipe yer bum wif old clothes ye find as well but trust me, ye is gonna be shittin' yerself quite a bit so be on da safe side an get toilet rolls.

Don't bother wif anyfin but a basic first aid kit, anyfin remotely serious means death an so ye don't wanna be weighed down wif unnecessary stuff, if ye don't have to. A word on dis. If ye can find a location to hole up near a pharmacy, measure up da risk of stayin' dere for as long as possible 'gainst da increase in zombies, especially if ye has any condition dat may require drugs. If ye don't, den walk out into a horde cos ye is gonna be dead soon enuff. Also take note dat most big cities have warehouses and distrubution centres, get to know where dey is right now an' let the dweebs fight it out to da death in da local omni-mart.

Wheels is always a good fing to have, but not ones ye is gonna have ta use fuel for. I recommend bikes, cos ye can go real fast wif dem as opposed ta skateboards or roller skates, plus ye can get dese fancy transformer style bikes dese days dat fold up, so keep dat in minds.

Now ye will also needs stuff ta drink. But Audley, says you, dey is zombies, dey aint gonna cause a problem to da water! WRONG! says Audley. Don't believe me? Go make yerself a cup o' coffee wif water from da Corpse River Ganjes and see how long ye can keep drinkin' it before ye vom like a maniac (unless ye is one of dem dudes dat lives off da Ganjes, in which case, bottoms up!) Zombies will be infestin' da water as well as da land, an if it's Aeger Cursor Mortuus ye has to deal wif, water supplies may be a transmission vector, so watch out! Get bottled water. Luckily most of da office spaces will have coolers, but it might be risky to attain, so as always use yer loaf!

Ye will need da followin' miscellaneous fings. Shoes, Ropes, Pillows, Plastic sheeting, At least 3 books, a can opener, matches an lighters, candles, bleach, tin foil, boot polish, thumbtacks and pens.

Find out why tomorrer.

Furtim Mortuus. Now ta avoid dis lot ye just has ta outsneak dem. Dese lazy scumbags usually sticks to dere own lil bit of territory, but remembers, dey does often pretends ta be dead, so make sures ye stay away from corpse piles an' stays in well lit areas. Obviously dis is gonna be difficult if da full blown zombie outbreak happens cos wifin a few days da power is gonna go off. Also, make sure ye are certain an area is clear before ye decides ta settle down in it, cos if ye is in da territory of a group of dese sneaky beasts, dere is very little chance ye will hear dem comin' for ye when ye sleep not ta mentions dat if dey knows ye is dere, dey will instinctively try an outfox ye wif dere feindish tactics. It should also be pointed out dat da furtives likes ta play wif yer emotions an' often leave babies an little kids alive as bait ta lure ye. So be alert an' remember, if it's not part of yer party it's not ta be trusted.

Alacritas Mortuus. Tricky. It really depends on da magicks or science used ta create dese monsters. Da only advice I can really gives ye is ta observe dere behaviours during da early days, dis mights be difficult considerin' da chaos an panic dat will ensue, but it really does pay ta know yer enemy. Da best fing about dis lot is dat whether they be created by occult means or by boffinology dere is usually a cure an' an antagonist who created dem so in dis case, GET YER BRAINS ON! Ye could stop it before it gets out of control.

Tomorrow...

Yer Stash.

Two.

Avoidance Tactics.

Pedes Mortuus is generally easy ta avoid. Dey can just about manage to clamber up flights of stairs and dey will cluster in numbers great enuff ta smash froo most blockades, but dey cannot climbs. So rooftops is yer best bet in stayin' clear. Problem wif dis is dat rooftops ain'ts da best place ta seek shelter an' keep provisions. So, ye needs ta fink about tents or stuff an collecting a big enuff stash before ye hole up. However if ye is in for da long haul, ye is gonna hafta, at some point, walk amongst dem. Dis shouldn't provides much problem if ye foller Audley's 2 simple rools.

Never stay in one place for more dan 48 hours.

Dis is VERY importants. Cos dey will sense ye up in yer hidey hole an da longer ye stay da more will come, so after 'bouts 2 days, dere is a good chance dat dere will be so many in da area dat it will be almost impossible ta move freely wifout a fight, an' trust me zombie mashin' is much more exhaustin' dan ye would assume.

Keep to large areas.

Yer local store might only be 100 feet away but it's enclosed an' not only might ye find a zombie surprise waitin' for ye, but ye might also get backed up into a siege. So makes da effort ta find where da nearest enormo-mart is, find a good exposed route which is as straight as possible an' keep yer eyes peeled.

Aeger Cursor Mortuus is a bit more tricky. Dese dudes can climb, jump an' dive inta windows, but dere enfusiams for mayhem is greater dan dere smarts, so it is probly wise ta make sure dat ye puts stuff in da way dat dey can get caught up on, since dere wounds seriously affect dere mobility. Razor wire is perfect, but failin' dat, lots of planks wif nails juttin' out will impede dese scumbags.

Dere swarms are usually less massive, but what dey lack in numbers dey make up for in sheer speed an' aggression, so ye does need ta put yer finkin' caps on when findin' a safe place. Since dere numbers tend ta be small, some place which is reinforced is probably suitable an' ye don'ts need ta worry too much 'bout how long you stay.

Audley Strange's Big Fantastic Guide to survivin' the Zombpocalypse.

(typed up verbatim by Webster)

Introduction.

First of alls, it's when not if. Gets it inta yer heads while ye has still gots 'em, one way or anudder da dead is gonna start risin' an dey is gonna eat all yer brains. Now for most of ye, dat won'ts make much of a difference, but for ye who finks to demselves “no way is I getting brainscoffed” den dis is da books for ye!

Now dere is a couple o' books out dere tellin' ye hows to survive in da zombpocalypse, but da most famous of dem is written by a doofus comedy writer an' a Yahwesayran to boots an lets me tell ye, I finks he gots paid by da zombie food corporation ta helps herd ye dullards inta da oncomin' gnashers of da billions of risen corpses. He goes on an on about how ta fights of da undeads wif whole varities of weapons an stuff which may seems practical, but is very likely ta gets ye munched along wif all da rest of ye monkeys.

Cos of da trend in dese negligent “self help” books, I decided ta jumps on da bandwagon wif me own, knowin' dat at least mines would offer REAL PRACTICAL ADVICE, insteads of blind assertions, extrapolations of fantasy an' just plain nonsense. So if ye is really serious about survivin'

(an lets face it, in a world where ye might witness yer loved ones getting' chewed up by swarms of dead eyed rotted kids wif flesh da colour of bruises an' stinkin' like an abattoir toilet, ye mights not wanna) den dis is definitely da BIG FANTASTIC guide for ye.

Part one.

Species of Zombie.

One. Overview

Dere is many classes of undead. From poseur Vampires ta depressin' Frankensteins, from da smartypant Lich to da common household ghost. However da zombie is different in many ways from dese. Da most important difference is dat ALL zombies has little in da way of brains (perhaps dats why dey always wanna eat yours hahahah). However dey is not totally brain dead an' while dey don'ts have da self preservation instinct of livin' reptilians, dey do seem to function at a very similar primal level. Dis is why serious damage to da brain stops most of 'em. However while dey is all similar in dis respect dere is a lot of differences worf notin'.

Da most common species mentioned in da media are da Pedes Mortuus, walking dead, which are characterised by dere slow stumbling or crawlin' movements. Dis type of zombie is, on its own, not really a problem, but dey do tends (like all species of zombie) ta cluster in huge numbers an' apart from dere occassional groanin' is very quiet.

Da second most well known species is Aeger Cursor Mortuus. Da Infected Runnin' Dead. While dese beasties is quick off da mark, dere high pitched howlin' an' feral roars to alert dere buddies to da location of warm flesh an brains can be heards at quite a distance, and is usually so loud as to exceed 120 decibels.

However dere are two udder species of zombie which while less publicised are still potentially da type which will one day roam da planet wif da intent of dinin' on yer lungs.

Furtim Mortuus. Da Sneaky Dead. Dis type o' zombie is, as it's name suggests, sneaky. While not smart, dey do tend ta keep to da shadows an' dark places an' is often only seen at nights (generally very briefly) Dey doesn't have any vocalisations an often lie amongst actual deads waitin' for stupid victims.

Alacritas Mortuus. Da Animated Dead. Dere is some discussion about dis lot. Some say dey should not even be categorised as zombies and should go in da Frankensteins group since dey is usually brought ta life by black scientists or dark magicians. Dey can be programmed to perform lots o' tasks an' usually dey is considered tools radder dan antagonists. However!!!!!! Audley has seen dese critters replicate expotentially due to clever viral programmin' and as such considers dem as much a danger as any natural zombie species.

I's back after exceedin' me bandwidf. So a quick updates.

Yesterday Next part one is finished so Monday sees me back on me own website after da Webster's got tired of me pesterin' him 'bouts self indulgent drivel.  Yes folks Undeadageddon has arrived, dis is anudder daft hypocryphal story, a bit o fun befores we return to Part Two of "Throwin' Pennies at da Damned", "Abyss Road". which will probably bore ye as much as it did me when to endure Muer's long winded polysyllabic madness. Still dere is some big fights an' bloodshed in it so it's not totally dull.

Also along wif undeadageddon I shall be, on dis page, writin' an appendix on how ta survive da Zompocalypse. Remember folks it's when not if, so take Audley's advice an' ye won't end up scoffed by yer 3 month ol' zombie brat!

See ya on Mondays.

Auds